One of my favorite things to do is take an evening walk. It gives me time to think and reflect, to clear my head when everything is jumbled up like a plate of spaghetti. Lately, Romans 8:28 has been on my mind.
For all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.
When I pulled out my Bible to read tonight, I thought of that verse again and turned to Romans 8. I read the whole chapter, and I was moved to the point of tears that every verse I read spoke to the insecurity and uncertainty I have been feeling over starting my last year of law school and finding a job after graduation.
See, it’s a weight I’ve been struggling to carry all summer. There’s a lot of pressure on the summer after your second year of law school. It’s the time when you are supposed to have this magical summer associate position that leads to employment after school. It’s the time when you’re supposed to find yourself and get on the path to the rest of your life.
Herein lies the problem, for someone like me. I’m a handful of days from entering my third year in law school and I still don’t know what type of law I want to work in. I don’t have a concrete plan for getting a job, other than applying for everything and crying and begging until someone finally hires me.
Here’s another thing: I am incredibly insecure about the fact that I am this far into my education and still have no idea what I want to do with my life. No plan. No purpose. One of my favorite quotes has always been “not all those who wander are lost,” but let me tell you, friends, this girl is starting to feel a little lost amid the wandering. And this summer I was in the first row on the #strugglebus. Every day was filled with doubts about my own abilities and passions and a crippling fear of both failure and the future. The pressure seemed to close in on me everywhere I turned: classmates getting those coveted post-graduation offers, well-intended loved ones wondering when I would get a job and what it would be, my bosses asking me about future plans.
And so instead of leaving it to God or praying about it or doing anything else actually constructive, I kept trying to take everything into my own hands. Decide what I wanted for my future. Plan for a job. Grow up. Be a real adult. I stressed about how to impress my bosses at my summer internship, or what kind of opportunities to seek out for the fall, or how to boost my resume or arrange my class schedule or just do something actually tangible to get one step closer to getting a job after graduation. You get the picture—it was a downhill spiral going nowhere good.
Then something happened, or, more accurately, nothing happened. Think of another verse here: “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10). My summer internship had ended and I had all this time on my hands to take those long evening walks and go visit the pool and read self-help books and whatever else my heart desired. And in that brief, beautiful space of time I was still. I stopped worrying about the future and what I was going to do 25 hours of the day (yes, I know there are only 24). Here’s the best part: I didn’t even make a conscious decision to stop worrying or thinking about it. It just happened. Let me emphasize: NOT a conscious decision on my part. I didn’t even realize that I was practicing being still. I was still not praying about it. I was still not giving it to God.
Prepare yourselves for how God was working in my life. Are you ready for this revelation? Here it comes: He took that burden from me anyway, without me even asking Him to. So this brings me to the verse about the Holy Spirit praying for us, making intercession for us when we cannot or do not know how to pray for ourselves.
Likewise, the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
Romans 8:26-27
WHOA! Let that sink in. The Holy Spirit is praying for you, right in this very moment, serving as your advocate, asking for the things you don’t even know you need. He did it for me. And then, somehow, He showed me that he had done it and that God had been faithful and removed my burden. I was on one of those evening walks when I finally realized I had stopped worrying about the future, when I finally realized that what I needed to be doing was following God and trusting Him. I needed to be running toward Him instead of running away. And I finally realized that I did not ask for the peace that God gave me, or the certainty that I would be okay. I didn’t ask for that burden to be lifted from my shoulders or my heart. It’s as if the Holy Spirit asked God to do it for me. And God spoke to me and said “no, no child, let me carry this. Let me take care of you and show you my path, in my time. Let me hold your hand and walk you through this season with the peace that only I give and the wisdom only I possess.”
I heard Him as clearly as if He had spoken aloud, I felt Him working in my heart. Walking with me. Gently chiding me, like a disappointed parent, but telling me in the same breath to just let it go and leave it to Him. So what am I doing now? Letting it go and leaving it to Him.
Now when I think of the future I just think of Romans 8:28 and I trust that God is up there, on His throne, working all things together for good. Even the stressful, hectic, life-is-falling-apart times. He’s up there bringing it all together. And now when I think of that verse I have so much comfort. I understand why it has been on my mind so much lately, even before I realized that God had lifted my burden. He was trying to tell me it would be okay. He was trying to send me a message to stop worrying. To just trust in Him and have faith that He would guide me.
Disclaimer: I have made no decisions about the future, still. I don’t know what kind of law I want to do or what kind of job I want to have after graduation. But I have absolutely no anxiety, insecurity, or fear as I say that now. So, if you’re reading this and you’re also nearing the end of your education and freaking out about the future and what your plans are, if you’re reading this and you’re facing another big decision in your career or personal life, here’s my advice: stop. Take a breath. Pray and…. wait. Be still. Know that if you trust in God, all things are working together for good. And know that that may look like something beyond anything you ever imagined.
all my love, ki
