Every week I get together with two of my friends for pizza night. We go to our favorite pizza place and laugh and talk and bond over 2-for-1 pizza slices. It’s the highlight of my week. Anyway, one night we were just casually chatting about life and catching up when one of my friends asked me, out of the blue, “what were you like in high school?” He was probably asking himself if I had always been nuts or if I had only been nuts since he had known me. I laughed, and then I sat there for a solid minute trying to figure out how to answer. What was I like in high school?
I told him that I had been shy and awkward and hadn’t really fit in anywhere. I was always the smart kid, that’s what I was good at, and we all have to play to our strengths so I had stuck to the books. That’s my perception of me in high school. Not athletic. Not a ton of friends. Always somewhat on the outside looking in at the kids that had it all together. The “popular” kids. If you asked them today, they would probably have a whole host of insecurities about who they were in high school too, but to me they were the “popular” kids that I wanted to emulate. Who hasn’t been there, right? You’re in high school and you don’t know who you are or where you’re going and you want so desperately to just be someone that can fit in.
The funny thing I realized as I was talking to my friends about who I was in high school is that I still largely see myself in the same way. I’ve changed so much that many of the people I grew up with, many of the people I went to high school with, probably wouldn’t recognize me now. Sure, I might look similar enough that they’d know me at a reunion, but I’ve changed drastically in who I am as a person. Who hasn’t? I’m more outgoing, more self-assured, more sarcastic. I’ve become a city girl since moving to Nashville—one that complains about parking and loves going downtown and thrives in the concrete jungle. I’m much more self-deprecating instead of taking myself so darn seriously all the time. The list goes on.
I can recognize how much I’ve changed. And yet, I still see myself in the same way. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the person I was in high school. I’m proud of her. But that person was also someone who was very insecure and didn’t open herself up to people because she was always afraid of being hurt, left, or rejected. And the problem is that high school and the teen years are trying times—but I’m 24 now. I’m in a different stage of life, and I’m still treating myself the same as I did in high school. I still see myself as a shy, awkward girl who doesn’t fit in with anyone and will never be the person in the center of the room that everyone is drawn to. Maybe I still am that person, or maybe that’s just a lingering perception and insecurity that refuses to go away.
I guess that’s what I’m saying—regardless of who I may be to anyone else, my perception of myself is the one that matters. That perception, who I am to myself, is what affects my friendships and relationships, my decision-making, and my everyday life. I will never be able to grow and be who I want to be if I am constantly chaining myself to a negative perception of who I am. At some point, I have to stop seeing myself as shy and awkward and start seeing myself as a person who is funny and witty and worth getting to know. I have to start being more kind to myself, more willing to accept who I am and how I have changed and start seeing myself as the person I am becoming instead of who I have been in the past. My perception of myself shapes how I handle myself in life—the way I view people and friendships, the opportunities I take, the confidence I have in myself (or lack thereof).
The same is probably true for you, too. Have you ever stopped to think about that question—what do you think of yourself? Who were you in high school? Do you still treat yourself like the same person you were then, even if your life is different now? Ask yourself those questions. Be honest.
Because here’s the thing… your perception of yourself matters. It changes your relationship with yourself, which is the most important one you have, aside from your relationship with Jesus. My negative perception of myself matters. And what I tell myself matters. What you tell yourself matters, too. Be kind to yourself. Tell yourself nice things. That you are kind, and smart, and important. That you are beautiful, and someone that is valuable to the people around you.
At the end of the day, your perception of yourself is the one that matters. If you are confident in who you are and you love yourself and think you are awesome, it does not matter even one little bit what someone else thinks of you. Their opinion DOES NOT MATTER. Because you think you’re great and that’s what matters. And if you don’t think you’re awesome, and you continually give in to the insecurities and mean voices in your head telling you that you are worthless and insignificant, it also does not matter what anyone else tells you. Everyone else in your life can think you are better than sliced bread, but if you don’t also think you’re the coolest cucumber in the room, then what those other people say aren’t going to change how you feel about yourself. Your voice, your opinion, your relationship with yourself is the one that matters, and your perception of yourself is at the heart of that relationship.
When you are struggling with your self-perception or with shame, embarrassment, or regret that is holding you in the past, ask God to help you carry that burden. Ask Him to help you change your perception of yourself and see yourself the way He sees you: fair, beloved, and really, really awesome.
“You are all fair, my love, and there is no spot in you.”
Song of Solomon 4:7-8
all my love, ki
p.s. the picture with the post this week is a snap my mom took of me when we were exploring Charleston last summer. I love it because I remember feeling so happy and so free, so in awe of the history and culture surrounding me. That’s exactly the kind of perception of myself that I’m trying to hang on to.
