Full disclosure: I have been listening to a throwback Jonas Brothers radio station since I saw them in concert a few weeks ago. Yes, I am reverting to the thirteen-year-old girl that fell in love with them when I saw the Year 3000 music video on Disney Channel. If anyone has a problem with that, please call Nick Jonas and tell him I’m now 24 and still waiting on him to show up at my door and profess his love for me. Anyway, while listening to that station, I heard the song Who Says by Selena Gomez. Part of the chorus is “who says you’re not perfect.” I hadn’t heard the song in forever and the answer struck me as if someone had whispered it to me in the car. “You do.”
For those who don’t understand that interpretation of me talking to myself, I’m getting at this: I am the one that tells myself I am not perfect. In fact, I tell myself a lot of things. This summer and semester have been high tide for the negative thoughts swirling in my head. It’s a thing called insecurities. Here’s how that works. When I’m at my internship or at school, I constantly feel inadequate. Not smart enough, or well-spoken enough, or good enough. When I’m with my friends, I’m a burden imposing on them to spend time with me. Not funny enough, not cool enough, and not good enough. When I look in the mirror, I’ve got too much cellulite on my thighs and dark circles under my eyes. Not fit enough, not pretty enough, not good enough. Are you seeing a pattern there? The insecurities are deep-rooted and they are pervasive in pretty much every area of my life. It all amounts to the message that I never quite feel good enough. I’d wager there are some of you reading this that have felt that way too.
The thing about insecurities is that they are fed by all these tiny little comments, seemingly insignificant but hugely important when they accumulate over time. Things people have said that have hurt us, a kindergarten bully that we never quite forgot, or the awkward years of middle school that never quite left us. They are built up by a hundred tiny moments that have helped form our self-image, for better or for worse. They are informed by other people, but also by yourself and the way you choose to perceive other people.
Here’s the other thing about insecurities. They may be affected by other people, but they also affect the way we see other people. We have an insecurity, and we feel a certain way about ourselves, and suddenly it becomes all too easy to attribute that attitude to someone else. We can think that the way someone says something, the way someone looks at us, the actions that someone does or doesn’t take, are because they also see us as not worthy, or not smart, or not funny. There’s a chance some people feel that way about you, but there’s also a chance you feel that way about you and you are projecting it onto the people around you. We have to be careful about our insecurities—we have to be aware of them so that we can realize when we are projecting and when other people are really being hurtful.
About a month ago, I was having dinner with a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in a while. She was driving me back to my car after we had stuffed our faces with chicken, and we started talking. I confessed the stress and insecurity I had been feeling over the summer, the way I beat myself up about something like eating fried chicken, or doing an inadequate job on an assignment, or not already having my life plan figured out. She opened up to me about some of the pressures and insecurities she was feeling too—some were the same as mine and some were different. It was one of the most real and raw moments we have had in our friendship, and she had never been more beautiful as a friend and person than in that moment.
My friend and I talked about the fact that people can say “you are fearfully and wonderfully created” and that really just doesn’t help. In the end, the insecurities are still there to eat at you anyway, even if you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and loved by God. Because when you look at yourself in the mirror, or micro-analyze your social interactions or the talk you just had with your boss, you are seeing the image you have created of yourself. You aren’t seeing yourself the way God sees you.
So what helps? I like to acknowledge my insecurities. It helps me be aware of when I am projecting them onto other people. It helps me be aware of how they are affecting the way I am treating myself. It helps me be aware of the things that I don’t like about myself that I can change and the things that I don’t like about myself that I can’t change.
The real key, though, is acceptance. Accept yourself, insecurities and all. So what if I’m a worry wart? So what if people find my stress and anxiety annoying? So what if I don’t exercise enough and have too much pudge in my stomach and hips? So what if I can be broody and introverted as much as I can be bubbly and outgoing? We are all complex people with stories that we keep only for ourselves and personalities that some people will never fully understand. Think about the things you really don’t like, and then accept them. That sounds hard, and that’s kind of the whole point of insecurities, but I say try anyway. It’s what I try to do every day, with quotes posted on the back of my door, and Bible verses that ding to my phone at 8:00 AM, and sweet, encouraging friends that are always there to lift me up and show me acceptance when I cannot show it to myself.
I would also urge you to do this: remember the things you like about yourself. If there are a hundred things you don’t like about yourself, there must be a thousand that you love. At the end of the day, you are in a relationship with you, so you have to love you. Love yourself for your own sarcastic sense of humor that other people might not always get or appreciate, but that keeps you laughing at your own private jokes. Love yourself for your smile, or your kind heart, or your giving spirit. Love yourself for your dedication to Jesus, or your friends, or your family. Love yourself for the things that are both obvious and hidden, both easily appreciated and hard to understand. And when you are fighting your insecurities, and sometimes losing the battle, win the war by remembering all of the little things you love about yourself.
A final note: God really does love you. He really does think you’re perfect. Sometimes it is easy to get wrapped up in our own heads, our own thoughts, our own feelings. We forget that really He’s up there and He’s trying so hard for us to love ourselves with the unconditional, forgiving love that He gives us. He’s wanting so much for us to be happy and to smile and to appreciate His children the way He appreciates them. And that’s really, really easy to forget sometimes. But I’m challenging you to stop for thirty seconds today. Close your eyes and think of all of your blessings. All of the things you have to be grateful for. All of the ways you love yourself. Take a deep breath of this 90 degree October air, and just feel His love. Take that tiny, small moment to let it in and to really feel it. And let that carry you the next time your insecurities are surrounding you like an angry mob trying to get in to a Target on Black Friday. Let that lift you up and give you hope that you are beautiful, and loved, even when you are dealing with insecurities, even if there are things about yourself that you are never going to like, even if you are not perfect. No one is asking you to be.
all my love, ki
(p.s. peep this pic of me going to see the JoBros… right before I took this photo, I had spent an hour crying about insecurities and life and friendship and the whole lot of it, but then I got up and put on some makeup and went to see the loves of my life and the world was right again)
