Growing up, I felt like I never quite fit in with a particular group or social circle. I was the odd ball out, and I was constantly trying to figure out what I could do to become one of the “popular” kids. I was continually searching for a sense of acceptance and belonging. Acceptance is a funny thing, you know. So many of us go looking for it that you think it would be easy to find, but somehow it manages to elude each and every time. It’s harder for some of us than others – harder to earn, harder to give, harder to recognize. For me, I’ve realized I have not one, but two, problems with acceptance: finding acceptance from others and accepting myself. It is only recently that I have come to realize that I have never been able to find acceptance because I have been looking for it in all the wrong places.
When it comes to seeking acceptance from others, where do you look for it? Do you seek it from the world? Do you ever feel like you have to change who you are to be “cool” or to really fit in with your friend group or to be loved by your significant other? Let me share something with you, friend. This world that we occupy is never going to accept us. As Christians, God has created us to be set apart. By choosing to give our lives to Him and follow His word, we are choosing to forsake the things of this world and to prioritize Godly living. That means we are sacrificing being easily accepted by the people, places, and things of the world because we are choosing to live differently and be different, as children of God. If you are seeking acceptance from the world, you are never going to find it. The only acceptance we really need is from God, and He will welcome us with open arms the moment we choose to commit our hearts to Him. He will accept us for every facet of who we are – the good, the bad, the ugly. He will love us not just in spite of, but because of, those flaws and failings that we so often try to hide or change. He freely gives the unconditional, all powerful kind of love and acceptance that was worth Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross. He gives us all the acceptance we could ever need – either in addition to the acceptance we may find with friends and family or as the only true form of acceptance we find here in the world. We just have to remind ourselves where we find that acceptance and not get caught up in the standards of this world.
You see, every worldly form of acceptance will ultimately fail us. Having a loving family to accept you and support you in your walk with Christ is an incredible blessing – it is the closest form of love to the love of Christ that we can experience here on Earth – but that love and that acceptance from our families cannot save our souls. It cannot wash us clean from our sins and gain us admission to Heaven like the love and blood of Jesus Christ.
Even more transient is the acceptance we seek from friends, or, more accurately stated, people we want to be our friends. Once again, their acceptance cannot save our souls. Another issue, though, is that the acceptance of social groups or friends is so often based on worldly standards. Behaviors that are “cool” and “accepted” are so often in conflict with what we believe as followers of Christ, and the temptation can be strong to feel like we need to change who we are or compromise our beliefs in order to fit into that group or gain that friend. I have been down that road a time or two, and I want to tell you with certainty that it is not worth it. Our relationship with Jesus and our Christian walk are the most precious things we have in this world. Nonbelievers look to us to set an example and to learn about our faith through our words, actions, and behaviors. No friend, no status, no acceptance is worth turning our back on God or doing something that we know is wrong in order to gain someone’s acceptance. Those are the wrong types of friends, folks.
If you have to learn the patience of Job and wait on the kind of friends that will accept you for who you are without question or hesitation, the kind of friends that will love you without you having to ask, the kind of friends that will support and encourage you in your walk with Christ, then wait on those people. Know that they’re out there. Know that I’m still on that journey with you, and that maybe the friendship journey is one that we are on our whole lives, as seasons and people change. Also, and more importantly, know that God is on that journey with you. He is steadfast. His love is ever present and never failing. He will support us through loneliness and friendlessness. He will lead us to the people He wants us to have in our lives. If, like me, you tend to become impatient and your faith wears a little thin, please harken back to the name of this blog and hang on to any mustard seeds you have. Even the tiniest shred of faith will see you through. God will help it grow. God will bring you those people. He just asks you to believe and be willing to sacrifice that worldly acceptance to follow Him.
Now, remember when I said I had problems both with finding acceptance from others and also with accepting myself? Yes, there’s a part two, and sometimes that’s the hardest one. Sometimes it is easier for our friends and family to love and accept us than it is for us to love and accept ourselves. During the past few years of trying to figure out how to be a practicing attorney, how to be an adult, and how to just be a person in the midst of a global pandemic, I have found myself accepting myself less than ever. Things I once liked about myself have become undesirable. Things I knew I didn’t like about myself have become glaring. The question “how are you?” is, at times, a minefield that must be carefully navigated. I regularly try to make myself into someone that I am not to fit a particular mold I feel I must fit in, or I am constantly disappointed with myself that I am not better, smarter, stronger, etc.
If you also struggle with self-acceptance, I want you to ask yourself a question. Are your self-criticisms actually based on something about yourself? That probably sounds counter-intuitive, but stick with me. One of my issues with myself is that I feel like I should be on another timeline at this point in my life. I should be moving closer to marriage, or children, or at the very least should have more of life itself figured out. Now, that is not necessarily a criticism of some inherent quality about myself that I do not like or accept. That is a criticism based on comparing myself to others and/or societal standards. As a further example, another big issue I have with myself is feeling like I need to be more serious or more “grown-up” to be successful as an attorney. That criticism, too, is based on worldly standards for what is expected of an attorney (fill in the blank here with whatever profession or role might apply for you). Once again, my criticism isn’t based on something actually about myself that I do not like. In that way, sometimes our self-acceptance is closely related to our desire for acceptance from others. We are basing it on all the wrong things. We are trying to mold ourselves into what we believe society or the world wants us to be, and we do not accept ourselves when we cannot meet those standards. Stop! We must remember to center our view of self and our standards for accepting ourselves on God’s love and God’s Word. When we start to slide down that path of basing our self-view on worldly things, we should reevaluate how the value, action, trait, or behavior in question would be valued and viewed by God, not by the world. When we do find things within ourselves that we feel convicted to change or improve, it shouldn’t be from a place of self-hate or because we desire to be accepted by peers or loved ones. It should be because God has called us to be more of the people He has created us to be.
“O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.”
Psalm 139:1-3
These verses remind me that God accepts us freely, even when we cannot accept, love, or understand ourselves. He knows us. He formed us in our mother’s belly. He describes us as “fearfully and wonderfully made.” He searches and knows our hearts, and he knows our thoughts, our ways, and our plans even before we know them. He loves us when we cannot love ourselves. He accepts us when we cannot accept ourselves. We can find all of the acceptance we could ever need or want in Him, in a way that far surpasses any acceptance the world could ever give us, or that we could ever give ourselves. When you are struggling with self-image, with acceptance, with feeling lost or confused or rejected, turn to God and remember you can find in Him all that you are searching for and more. Remember that this world is not our home, and we are not meant to be accepted here. If we were, we would be doing it wrong.
all my love,
ki
